Rules of Life: How to Close a Telephone Conversation

If you are anything like me, ending a telephone conversation can be extraordinarily awkward and even confusing. With both people racing to the end of the phone call, either party suddenly can experience an incredible "stalling" effect. Sometimes this manifests itself in multiple "goodbyes" or even variations of it (i.e., "see you later," "talk to you soon," etc.). In order to clarify this consistent debacle, I thought it would be helpful to set up a few ground rules so that everyone can be on the same page when ending a conversation on the phone:

1. When a person gives a Conversation Ending Indicator [CEI] (i.e., "Well it's been good talking to you," "Alright, well I'd better get going," -- or the circumspective "Well, I'd better let you get going,", etc.), it is the responsibility of both parties to adhere to their respective roles to end the conversation. The CEI cannot be ignored by either party so as to extend a conversation beyond its comfortable limit for selfish reasons. Ignoring the CEI is disrespectful and could effect levels of communication (frequency, length, etc.) in the future.
   
2. The person who issues the CEI (henceforth referred to as CEI-1) must wait for the CEI to be acknowledged by the other party with a verbal cue like: "Alright, it's been talking to you," "Yeah, I'd better get going too," etc.
3. The recipient of the CEI (henceforth referred to as Hector), must verbally acknowledge the CEI and then wait for the Goodbye Precursor Interlude [GPI] or the Circumlocutive Precursor Goodbye [CPG]. The reason for the "or" is because the GPI is optional - if not, negotiable - while CPG is a necessary component for an appropriate conclusion. Let me explain. The GPI is the optional insertion of a term of endearment or complimentary statement as a precursor for the final goodbye statements, which include: "Well, its been good talking to you," "I can't wait to see you," "It is always a pleasure," "I love you," etc. The GPI, then, is included only if the proverbial Hector is worthy of such a statement. If they are not worthy of such a statement, the GPI can be ignored all together and replaced with the inevitable CPG, which says goodbye but just in a roundabout way (i.e., "I'll talk to you later," "Have a good one," etc.). If they are worthy of such a statement, this is the place to insert it.
   
4. After the CEI-1 offers the GPI or the CPG (see previous step for explanation), they are to wait for a response from Hector, which both the GPI and the CPG assume.
   
5. After the response from Hector is delivered, it is the CEI-1's responsibility to offer the first "goodbye" or the colloquial "bye". Why is this the case? Since it was the CEI-1's idea to end the conversation (indicated by the CEI), it is their responsibility to conclude it with the first goodbye. The CEI is the one that is leading in this dance, and it would be inappropriate to assume that Hector would not be the woman in the dance (or you can insert a metaphor that makes more since at this point).
6. Hector should then respond to the "goodbye" of CEI-1 with a "goodbye" of their own (variations welcome: see ya, peace out, adios, etc.).
7. CEI-1 is the first to press the "end call" button or to hand up the touch-tone phone on its receiver.

As a result, the whole conclusion of the telephone conversation should take this form:

CEI-1: "Well, I really should be going, but it has been great talking to you." (CEI)
Hector: "Yeah, I probably should go and do something productive as well."
CEI-1: "It was so delightful to hear your voice." (GPI)
Hector: "Same here bro...I always like talking with you."
CEI-1: "Alright, I'll talk to you later." (CPG)
Hector: "Sure thing man, I'll look forward to it."
CEI-1: "Okay...bye."
Hector: "Bye."
CEI-1 - Disconnects
Hector - is disconnected

With this model in place, I am confident our telephone conversations can conclude with the grace and dignity that all of you emulate as you walk in a room.